Running for far too long
by joiedevivre2011
Summary: Somewhat of a song-fic, but more like a "story" set around/inspired by just 3 lines from a song...  Callian, as per usual. Rated T because who knows what'll end up happening by the time this fic is finished.
1. Gillian POV 1

So I heard this song awhile back and I immediately thought of Cal and Gillian. I've been mulling over the lyrics, trying to make the idea flow into a half-decent "story" of sorts. I finally decided last night to only use three lines from the song, but those three lines seem to summarize their relationship to a T, particularly after everything that happened in season 3. My plan is for this fic to be written in 3 parts - one for each line. I also think all of them will be written from Gillian's perspective, but that could change depending on how it all ultimately unfolds in my head. This first chapter obviously elaborates on the first line from the lyrics I'm using.

Disclaimer - not mine. The song isn't mine either. If either were, I highly doubt I'd be writing fan-fiction in my spare time...

* * *

_"I said, we've been walking a thin line.  
__You've got one hand on the devil baby and one hand in mine.  
__But don't let go. No, it's not too late you know."_

Where We Belong - Thriving Ivory

* * *

Sometimes I wonder how I could be so foolish, so stupid to let it happen. I honestly tried not to because I knew my heart would only end up broken when all was said and done. That's how things always ended, it seemed. Or rather, that's how I always saw the endings. I didn't want to be one of them, not when it came to this. This was too important to me. _He_ was too important to me.

I created that line for us long before now – when I was still married to Alec. At the time, it was simply to protect our friendship and our business partnership. I remember the day Cal and I had that conversation. It had just stopped raining outside, but because it was summer, the air had become thick and oppressive, not cool and refreshing like after a spring rain. Perhaps that'd been a sign. Maybe if I'd paid more attention to the weather that day I wouldn't be where I am right now. But I didn't, so damn it, here I am, reflecting on that day.

We'd just finishing moving into our offices and setting up all our many belongings. I walked down the hall to his office, my mind reeling at the idea of the conversation I was about to have with him. I was doing the right thing, or so I'd thought at the time. I poked my head around his office door, rapping gently on it with my knuckles to let him know I was there.

"No point in even knockin', Foster," he grinned at me. "I could hear ya comin' all the way from your office with those heels you're wearing." He was sitting in his chair with his feet propped up on his desk, ankles crossed. His head was tilted to the side, a habit I'd long since come to learn that meant he was thinking – or reading – something. That was the look I knew had to go, when it came to us anyway.

I laughed lightly and smiled, stepping through the doorway. "I'll make a note of it then," I said, acting like I was writing something on my hand. "Wear stealthier shoes."

"But no so stealthy that you can scare the hell outta me, yeah?"

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "I want to talk to you about something, Cal." I took a deep breath, sitting down in the chair in front of his desk.

"Bloody hell. We haven't even officially opened the Group yet and I'm already in trouble with the boss?" He was mocking me. Normally I'd play along with his silly antics to humor him, but I wasn't in the mood. I couldn't be, not with the conversation that was about to unfold.

"I'm an equity partner, Cal, not your boss," I corrected him, my lips forming a thin line.

"Right then, not the time to joke apparently," he replied, dropping his feet off the desk and sitting up straight in his chair. "What can I do ya for, Foster?" he asked, looking me straight in the eyes.

"Well, I've been thinking about something. I think we need to set some boundaries to make this work between us." I could see I'd clearly gotten his attention. He simply looked at me, expecting me to elaborate. "I know you sometimes dismiss my 'psychobabble,' as you call it, but I think we need to decide between what's appropriate for us to tell each other and what's not."

"You mean draw a line between you and me for when I'm not allowed to read you?" he asked me slowly, deliberately choosing his words.

I frowned. "Well, no. I was thinking more along the lines for when we _both_ shouldn't read each other. If we're going to be working together, it's inevitable that we're going to see entirely too much and I don't think that's healthy for us, for our partnership."

"So you mean draw a line between you and me for when I'm not allowed to read you?" he repeated.

"Fine, Cal. If that's how you want to think about it - then yes." This was going worse than I'd expected. I needed him to understand that it wasn't just about me, not just something to make me feel better. "But you forget that I see things too. I may not be the expert you are, but you aren't the only one with areas of expertise, Cal."

His eyebrow quirked upward. "So where are we drawing this line, Gill?"

I knew by his tone of voice that he wasn't angry, but he wasn't entirely thrilled about the whole thing either. "I think the most important place we need to draw a line is between our personal and professional lives, Cal. I know we can't really turn off our abilities to read everything, but that doesn't mean we have to say everything out loud either. If we did, not only would we drive each other insane, the Group would never survive. And you know it, Cal."

He thought for a moment, then nodded. "I guess you're right, Foster. I have no doubt it's gonna drive me batty sometimes, but overall, it probably is for the best."

Honestly, I hadn't expected him to agree so easily, but I sure as hell was relieved. "I promise, Cal, this isn't just for me. There will be times when you're not going to want me to push an issue, so I won't. Just like there'll be times when I'm not going to want you to push either. If we really need to talk about whatever's bothering us, we'll bring it up ourselves, okay?"

He grinned, "Got it. I'll go ahead and tell ya, if it's something to do with all the accounting nonsense, spare me the details, Foster."

I knew then we were on the same page. He really understood why it was important for both of us. And if he thought anything more than that, he wasn't letting on, which is what I'd hoped for most. I returned his grin. "Not unless I absolutely need to, Cal."

"Brilliant! Fancy a drink, love? We should celebrate our first unofficial day in the office, don't ya think?"

* * *

So what do you think? Continue? Abandon ship? Gotta click below to let me know! :)


	2. Gillian POV 2

Thanks for the reviews and the tons of story alerts! I'm so glad that so many people are interested in this fic. It fills this little writer's heart with such joy. :)

A/N: I'm not particularly satisfied with this second part, but I know everybody's been anxious for more so I decided to go ahead and post it. I really hope you aren't disappointed! And just FYI - I've made references to various things from all seasons, but they're pretty generalized for the most part I think. So I guess you could say there are slight spoilers, but mostly for seasons 1 and 2.

Same sad disclaimer.

* * *

_I said we've been walking a thin line.  
__You've got one hand on the devil baby and one hand in mine.  
__But don't let go. No, it's not too late you know._

_

* * *

_

Over the years, we've started to walk a thinner and thinner line. The Group had been through so much together – we've been through so much together and it has become extremely difficult not to push sometimes. Cal had been more right than I'll ever admit to him – the line had ended up more like a shield for when I didn't want him to read me, but that didn't mean it _always_ worked that way.

When my marriage to Alec started falling apart, I shoved that line even further toward him. I couldn't handle the bullshit from both my soon-to-be ex-husband and from my best friend, despite how different the two were from each other.

Eventually I'd started to realize that our line – my line – was going to come back and bite me in the ass. It was just a matter of time really and I had to be prepared. I know now that I was naïve to think that would be possible. When it comes to Cal Lightman, I should know better than to think I could ever prepare myself for something.

The man drives me insane sometimes because he's entirely too reckless. I honestly don't know how we've made our business work for so long. Maybe it's because I balance out his self-destructive (and sometimes just plain destructive) tendencies with my more rational nature. Maybe it's because we both _want_ someone who could create that balance. Or maybe it's something else entirely.

Either way, we've survived to this point, but it hasn't been easy. Cal wreaks havoc in my life, but I truly believe he doesn't mean to most of the time and sometimes I don't think he realizes how much his decisions affect me. Perhaps one day he will.

He's always tried to protect me from the darkest parts of the cases we take on, but the times when he can't – no matter how hard he tries – he blames himself and beats himself up over it to the point of misery. I've always told him that he can't keep everything from happening, but I know he doesn't believe me. I know that he just wants to prevent all the bad things from happening _to_ _me _and he's told me that so many times over the years I've long since lost count.

When I got attacked during the Jenkins case, I knew he felt responsible because he thought he shouldn't have missed the signs, he should've been able to keep me safe. I think he wanted me to blame him, to be angry at him, but I couldn't and wasn't going to. Despite what happened that night, what I cared about most was he was there to comfort me immediately. He'd wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly to his chest, while I just wept hysterically, my trembling body curled up into a ball. Looking back now, I don't think I would have wanted anyone else there holding me. Honestly, that night speaks volumes about our relationship, even if neither of us will ever admit it.

But it seems that no matter what I say or do and no matter what happens to one or both of us, I'm constantly holding on to him for dear life. The danger and excitement draws him in time and time again, but I know that despite how exhausted it makes me I could never let go. I wouldn't want to. Cal has become a part of me that I adamantly refuse to lose.

I held on when he put the Group in jeopardy by buying out Zoe's share. I did despite how much I wanted to kill him for being so irresponsible and kill Zoe for being such a manipulative bitch.

I've held on through all the hell he went through with her, even the times when it was his own fault.

I didn't let go after the stunt he pulled in Vegas or the disaster he put the Group (and me) through with Clara.

I've kept my grip on him through everything, even Walloski.

One thing I wish Cal would realize is that I know, and always have known, the bad is inevitable, if only because I'm a part of his life and even if he's the one responsible for it. I had a damn good idea of what I was signing up for when I agreed to be his business partner. He thrives on danger and excitement; they're his drugs of choice. I knew that going in and still I said yes, yet he doesn't seem to understand. Sometimes I wonder if he ever will.

He continues to grab hold of the recklessness, the danger, thinking one day I might actually release my hold on him. Yet despite everything, what he doesn't seem to realize is that, in the end, I'm the only thing that still hasn't let go of him.

I wonder how long it'll take for him to understand that I'm never giving up, that I'm never letting go. More importantly I wonder what I could do to make him understand that I'm always going to hold his hand in mine.

* * *

Reviews make me feel all fuzzy inside. I love seeing emails for review alerts in my inbox. :)


	3. Cal's POV 1

Life became insane so I apologize for the delay. As a result, I'd lost a little direction of where I was heading with Chapter 3. Since there's been interest in having Cal's POV, I decided I could probably bring the story back to life in my head if I wrote a version of Chapter 1 from Cal's perspective. I hope you like it!

FYI - Chapter 4 will probably be Cal's POV for Chapter 2. Chapter 5 will be Gillian's 3rd/final part and Chapter 6 will be Cal's POV for Chapter 5. I know that's an entirely confusing order, but at least it'll have everything! I'll rename chapters so it's easier to tell the progression of it all.

Now for Cal's perspective of the first conversation about "the Line."

* * *

I had just finished placing my fancy, exotic artifacts around the room and plopped down onto my desk chair. I brought my feet up onto my desk and rested them there, crossing them at the ankles. I'd started thinking about the business plans Gillian and I had created for the Group. How I'd convinced that woman to leave her "post" at the DoD was beyond me and I hoped that I could make it worthwhile. I didn't want to bring Gillian Foster down with me if I ended up fucking things up, but I knew a partnership for a consultation firm with our combined career backgrounds would blow the hats off D.C. If we could (re: I) could keep things from blowing up in our faces.

I was mulling over these amusing thoughts when I heard the deafeningly loud click-clack of Gillian's heels sounding from the corridor as she approached my office. The sound was impossible to miss, considering the shiny, laminate square tiled floors of our new office building. I'd started to recognize those particular steps; they were Gillian's on-a-misson steps; Gillian's don't-even-try-to-mess-with-me-right-now steps. And I'd started to fear them in a sense because they'd come to indicate that a serious conversation was about to occur. I'm not much for serious conversations sometimes.

As the footsteps started to become louder, I knew she'd almost reached my office. A quick rapt of knuckles on the door confirmed it. I took a deep breath before I saw her poke her head around it into my office. I gave her my best Lightman grin.

"No point in even knockin', Foster," I told her. "I could hear ya comin' all the way from your office with those heels you're wearing."

She laughed as she stepped through the doorway and I took it as a good sign. "I'll make a note of it then," she said, acting like she was writing something on her hand. "Wear stealthier shoes."

I found this amusing and countered, saying, "But not so stealthy that you can scare the hell outta me, yeah?"

She only rolled her eyes and shook her head at me. _Ruh roh_, I thought. _Not a good sign._

"I want to talk to you about something, Cal," she said seriously, taking a deep breath.

_Shit. Definitely serious conversation time_.

I tried to make light of it. "Bloody hell. We haven't even officially opened the Group yet and I'm already in trouble with the boss?" She knew I found it entertaining to tease her about being the one in charge. After all, we both knew she had more patience and a better business sense than I did.

She didn't bite. "I'm an equity partner, Cal, not your boss," she replied, her lips formed a thin line.

_Party pooper_, I muttered inside my head. I dropped my feet off my desk and straightened in my chair. I had to get serious, whether I wanted to or not. "Right then, not the time to joke apparently," I told her, then asked, "What can I do ya for, Foster?"

The next words that came out of her mouth took me a little by surprise. "Well, I've been thinking about something. I think we need to set some boundaries to make this work between us." She'd gotten my full attention with that statement. I looked at her, clearly indicating that I wanted her to explain.

"I know you sometimes dismiss my 'psychobabble,' as you call it, but I think we need to decide between what's appropriate for us to tell each other and what's not."

_Aww, bloody hell,_ I yelled in my knew how hard this would be for me. She knew I couldn't just turn it on and off like a light switch and she certainly knew I had an affinity for saying whatever was on my mind. I formed my next words carefully, knowing full well she'd understand everything I meant by them. "You mean draw a line between you and me for when I'm not allowed to read you?"

She frowned at me, which I'd thoroughly expected. "Well, no. I was thinking more along the lines for when we _both_ shouldn't read each other. If we're going to be working together so much, it's inevitable that we're going to see entirely too much and I don't think that's healthy for us, for our partnership."

I'd been right. "So you mean draw a line between you and me for when I'm not allowed to read you?" I said again. I could easily tell she was starting to become a little exasperated, but did she really expect me to climb on board with her so easily?

"Fine, Cal. If that's how you want to think about it then, yes. But you forget that I see things too. I may not be the expert you are, but you aren't the only one with areas of expertise, Cal."

Ouch! Low blow there, and out of nowhere too. That thought hadn't even crossed my mind and she knew me well enough to know it. But I refused to let her see the effect her comment had on me, so I just continued on with our conversation as if she hadn't said it at all. I quirked an eyebrow up at her. "So where are we drawing this line, Foster?"

I could see how quickly she was trying to process everything in her head. "I think the most important place we need to draw a line is between our personal and professional lives, Cal. I know we can't really turn off our abilities to read everything, but that doesn't mean we have to say everything out loud either. If we did, not only would we drive each other insane, the Group would never survive. And you know it, Cal."

So that's what it was. Gillian didn't want me butting in her marriage. She was trying to protect herself and she didn't want to know about anything I saw. She wanted to pretend that everything in her life was fine; even if something happened, she wanted to play pretend.

I didn't like what she'd proposed. It spelled all kinds of disaster, but it was what she wanted. I knew that in order for our business to work, this time around I'd have to give her what she wanted, regardless of how I felt.

I finally settled on saying, "I guess you're right, Foster. I have no doubt it's gonna drive me crazy sometimes, but overall, it probably is for the best." I saw relief flash across her face. I tried to act like I hadn't seen it at all, even though I knew she'd know I had.

"I promise, Cal, this isn't just for me. There will be times when you're not going to want me to push an issue, so I won't. Just like there'll be times when I'm not going to want you to push either. If we really need to talk about whatever's bothering us, we'll bring it up ourselves, okay?"

I was far from okay with what she was saying, but I knew she'd never let it alone if I didn't agree. I understood, of course, but, again, that didn't mean I was pleased with it. I gave in, but I'd never let her see that on my face. I grinned at her. "Got it. I'll go ahead and tell ya, if it's something to do with all the accounting nonsense, spare me the details, Foster."

Reief was written all over her face once again. She'd expected me to put one helluva fight, but I figured all attempts to dissuade her would be fruitless. Besides, without Gillian, the Lightman Group would only be a sinking ship. I'd be a bloody idiot if I ruined things before they even began. Plus I cared about her and I knew she was putting a lot of trust in me not to screw things up. I'd be damned if I'd let her down. I'd done enough of that in my day and I'd sworn to myself I'd never take her down with me.

She smiled back at me and I knew she'd bought it. "Not unless I absolutely need to, Cal."

I decided to end that particular conversation. It was beginning to make me weary. "Brilliant! Fancy a drink, Foster? We should celebrate our first unofficial day in the office, don't ya think?"

* * *

So...thoughts? Suggestions? You know what to do...


	4. Cal's POV 2

Sorry this has taken me so long to get up. As with my other stories, you can see I've not been writing very often. It's just difficult for me anymore. But today I just had this urge to write and decided to work on finishing this chapter. I'm not entirely pleased with it, but what writer is ever fully pleased? I have yet to find one. Anyway, here we go.

Cal's POV part 2.

* * *

_You've got one hand on the devil baby and one hand in mine.__  
__But don't let go. No, it's not too late you know._

* * *

Gillian's line seemed to be nothing more than a formality after awhile. As much as it annoyed me, she was determined to stand firmly behind it. I _know_ she knew I still read her, as much as I possibly could actually read this baffling woman, but I knew I had to keep my mouth shut for everyone's sake.

But goddamnit, then came her divorce. I wanted nothing more than to cross over that fucking line and pull her into my arms. Despite how much of a womanizer as I am, I didn't want to do it for those reasons. I loved this woman, truly, madly, deeply loved this woman for exactly who she was. I wanted her to know that I would be there for her. I wouldn't always be good _for_ her, but I wanted to be good _to_ her.

The Jenkins case turned my insides. I tried. I tried, but I still didn't see it. I missed it somehow and Gillian bore the brunt of it. I pushed Jenkins' buttons so he found a way to push them right back. The thought of what would have happened to her had I gotten there even a minute later still horrifies me. When I picked her up off that pavement and she screamed again in terror, I hated myself more than I ever had before in my life. I held her and while she cried, I thanked whatever god there is for letting me get to her in time.

Somewhere along the way, I slowly started to break my promise. I say slowly because looking back, it seemed to be gradual. At first I don't think I did it consciously, but by the time I realized what I was doing, I couldn't stop. I just found this overwhelming desire to push the limits and drive Gillian insane. My actions got her to treat me how I thought she should.

I think the first biggest thing I remember was buying Zoe out of her ownership with the Group. Jesus Christ, Gillian was pissed. The look on her face was scary actually, but she had to understand. Regardless of just how serious (or not serious) Zoe was about leaving DC for Chicago, I couldn't let her take my Emily with her. Emily was my life. She was the only reason I felt like going most days…well, her and Gillian. But I wasn't about to admit that part. Considering I am the lie detection expert that I am, I knew she was pissed about me not seeing through Zoe's plan. I think I did, but when it comes to Emily, I don't take chances.

Then there's Vegas and Poppy. Gillian always knew the bad influence that city was on me. But as much as I'd love to blame Vegas for the stunts I pulled there, it was all just me being the soddy bastard that I am. It was that little demon sitting on my shoulder, the one I listen to far more often than I should.

Yet even then, she didn't let go. She held on through Clara. And Wallowski, too.

I honestly don't know how she does it. I keep waiting for her to give in, waiting for the day when she finally turns to me and says, "THAT IS IT, Cal Lightman! I'm done! You can take your business and namesake and run them into the fucking ground, but you are NOT going to take ME with you!"

No, instead she's still here with me and I don't understand why. I don't understand why on Earth a woman would put up with that much shit from a man.

A small part of me wants her to go, to save herself from me and this horrible fucking world I've dragged her down into. Yet selfish as I am, the rest of me wants her to stay, needs her to stay.

If I didn't have her, who would be there to hold my hand and keep me from disappearing into the darkness completely?

* * *

Thoughts? Should I continue? There'd be 2 chapters left for the last line of the lyrics, one from Gillian's POV and one from Cal's.


	5. Gillian's POV 3

What a treat for FFers...two chapters from me within 24 hours. Damn. I should go make myself cookies for that.

Forgot a disclaimer on the last chapter. Oh well. It's not like it's even necessary anyway, honestly.

* * *

_But don't let go. No, it's not too late you know._

* * *

Sometimes I feel as if he's slipping away from me. Things will go smoothly for awhile, then we'll get a case that turns our whole world inside out.

The one with Matheson – I swear to god I thought I was going to watch him be shot to death before my very eyes.

The grad student who was a psychopath – I never would've forgiven myself if he'd been able to murder Cal. I didn't see it, and maybe that's why I would have blamed myself forever.

Things seemed to be going well for awhile between us after that case, even once I started dating Burns. I knew Cal wasn't happy about it – far from happy actually – but I just thought he was being an overprotective best friend.

I was an idiot for that. I knew a relationship with Burns would put a strain on my relationship with Cal, but I had no idea just how much it actually affected him. When those men abducted Burns, I was completely terrified and when Cal admitted to him just how much he wanted me, I didn't know what to say or even how to react.

When Burns was forced to relocate, Cal and I just didn't talk about it. Things seemed to return to a semi-normal state, especially after that case when we had to play a sexually adventurous married couple. Yeah, things were okay; at least they seemed to be…

Until I froze the company assets. That sent him through the roof. It was my way of telling him that he had to stop screwing around. I knew I had to do something, so I did the only thing I could think to do at the time. This was _my_ company too and I'd be damned if I was going to let him run it into the ground just because he needed to get a little thrill every now and then.

It's only been a few weeks since that happened, since he told me if I ever messed with his finances again, he and I were through.

Every moment for the past eight years of my life has been leading up to this point. But to be perfectly honest, I don't even know what _this point_ is exactly.

Is it the beginning? The end? Is it the moment when I've finally lost my mind? Or is it the one when I've finally found it?

I don't know the answers to those questions. But what I do know is right now is the very moment I've decided to stop lying to myself, and to Cal, and finally admit that no matter what he does, no matter what happens between us, I'm always going to be here.

Because I love him.

Because I'm _in love_ with him.

And I have to let him know that it's not too late for us. It'll never be too late.

* * *

You know what to do.


End file.
